You want to be a dynamo in bed. Everyone does. It’s just one of those simple basic facts about life. You want to take your partner in your arms, lay her down on the bed, and rock her world. It’s both an unselfish and selfish desire. You definitely want to bring her pleasure. There’s no doubt about that. But there’s definitely a nice ego boost in bringing her to a bed-shaking, toe-curling, mind-blowing climax. Bringing her to orgasm gives you self-confidence. And it lets you off the hook because she got you there. You want to make sure she did too.
Well, data suggests that she’s a lot less likely to get there than you are. And that gets you paranoid about her pleasure. You don’t want her faking it — especially not to just get you to stop. That’s pretty much the worst case scenario and a major blow to your manhood.
So, what can you do? What steps can you take to make sure that she’s getting off too?
It’s the foreplay, stupid. I’m not just talking physical contact here. You need to set a mood. Light some candles around your place. Make the bed. Get your chores out of the way. If there are kids in your life, you make sure that they’re elsewhere — being watched by a responsible adult. Then let her know how sexy she looks before you have dinner. Set the mood early to get things going as soon as possible. You’re playing the long game here. Some couples use pornography as an aphrodisiac, but both men and women can suffer from some body dysmorphia — or at least body-negativity — related to seeing what’s going on with the performers in porn. It can get you going, but it can also slow you down. You’re potentially setting yourself up for failure, so maybe avoid it for at least just this night.
An important aspect of this that may seem counter-intuitive based on the subject matter is that you need to stop worrying about her pleasure. I’m not saying here that it’s all about you. You don’t want to break up the flow of things with any increased pressure or anxiety, so son’t check-in on her. Don’t ask her if she’s wet or aroused or getting close. All of these things could ascot as clues to her that you’re getting impatient, or that you can’t read her body’s signals of arousal. She’ll let you know how it’s going and so will her body. Some basic clues include increased temperature, or raised hair follicles on her body. Take note of the touch and temperature of her skin. Get to know it. If you put in the work, each time you’ll get better and better at taking note of her arousal and if she’s getting close — without having to check in on her, interrupting the flow and spontaneity of a great time together.
The best thing you can do to help her reach orgasm is to go slow and to find a good, slow rhythm. You need to move around her body, at first knot lingering in any one place for too long. If she’s not fully aroused yet, hunkering down and going to town on her clitoris right away could be an even longer, slower game to play. In fact, if she’s not properly aroused, that can be downright abrasive and painful. If you’re feeling a little lost, don’t check in — we’ve already noted that this is a terrible idea. Instead, ask her for some outright guidance. Take note of what she likes. Take note of her physical responses to the stimulation. Learn from your mistakes and next time will be even better. But that doesn’t mean that this time is a failure yet.
Don’t go right for penetration. Let her get in on the fireplace with you. Show her the best ways to grab you, touch you, massage you. The better she is at it, and the better a response she gets from your anatomy, the more confident she will be. Bringing her pleasure gets you aroused. Same for her. It’s a two way street. If she sees you getting aroused and erect, she’ll have comparable sexual reactions of her own. Then, get verbal about it. Let her know how good it feels. Don’t fake it — you don’t want to be setting any negative precedents there — but do emphasize what’s working. She’ll take the hint and come back for more.
Still don’t go for full penetration. Tease her. Tease her vulva with your hard, erect penis. Keep it shallow. Or you can let her take charge and get on top, doing it to herself to get herself ready for some full penetration. If you just jump right in, you could ruin all of your long, hard work so far. You could undo all of the ground work that you’ve setup. You need to follow through with the slow game.
Now that you’re getting into the swing of things. You are getting into the swing of things now right? Did I not mention that? Well, you should be all in now. But now’s the time to start hitting other areas. Don’t just focus on the obvious. Keep hitting those areas that you did when you were taking it slow. They’re all erogenous zones and all pretty important. You obviously need to put some focus not the clitoris in order to generate an orgasm, but kissing her neck, grazing her ear, digging your nails in to the small of her back — they’re all good. Find other ways to stimulate her, and she’ll let you know what’s working.
Keeping your rhythm steady is important. While men can find significant pleasure in stopping and starting, women rely on steady rhythm and pressure to reach orgasm. Don’t tell her you need a road map — throwing up your hands and asking her outright what it is you should be doing — instead et her know you’re thinking of her. Try something. Ask her how that feels. Try something else. Ask he if she wants it harder. But if she sounds like she’s getting close, keep up that rhythm and pressure. She’ll get there. And she’ll let you know when she does. And it’ll be a great feeling for both of you.